Off The Fucking Chain


Thursday 4 February 2010

Virgins

Recently I've noticed the film American Pie has been showing on TV so I thought why not check it out for old times sake, I seem to remember it being alright. So here's the premise. In the world of American Pie losing your virginity is a magical, special, perfect experience, a right of passage if you will, about as far removed from reality as you can get. The movie is so full of cheesy bull shit I barely know where to start. First off why are these kids still virgins? They're seniors in high school which means they're 18, why the fuck haven't they got laid yet? Oh that's right it's because they all make such a huge deal about having sex it's more like they're trying to achieve nuclear fusion than lose their virginity. The star of this shit storm is Jason Biggs. American Pie launched his career as he later went to star in huge hits such as Boys And Girls, Loser... oh wait. Anyway Jason's character does harmless things like secretly video tape and broadcasts foreign student Nadia played by Shannon Elizabeth stripping and teasing one out. Nice. I'm sure that's probably illegal but fuck it, he then tries to get it on with Nadia but blows his load twice before he's even knuckles deep, on camera of course. Biggs also sticks his wang in a home baked apple pie to simulate sex after his pal tells him that's what pussy feels like. Whatever happened to the good ol' fashioned posh wank 'ay? The stand out performance is by Sean William Scott who plays Stiffler. As far as I can tell Stiffler is a couple of years away from being a serial rapist, but the funny nice kind. The other characters are barely worth mentioning, one guy spends the whole movie trying bone Tara Reid (I guess this movie was made before she became a walking spunk receptacle) and the affectionately named Shit Break who does fuck all throughout the movie then ends up shagging a middle aged woman which is somehow seen as a good thing. The last of the bunch is Oz, the jock who falls in love with the choir girl. He has the most cringe worthy lines in the whole movie, sounding more like a 8 year old girl than a tank 18 year old dude. Needless to say they all lose their virginity and learn some valuable life lessons, just like in real life. Right?

In reality everyone knows losing your virginity is an all round unpleasant experience, sure it sounds exciting and you have an idea of how hot it will be your head. But it often takes place while your both wasted at some party and is usually rife with premature ejaculation and the dreaded question "is it in yet"? No one knows what they're supposed to do, girls are expecting it to hurt and guys are just super stoked they're going to get laid, both are completely clueless as to what your really meant to do. Sure we sort of know what goes where but in terms of pleasing the opposite sex, nothing. Thank god things improve over time otherwise human kind would have just wanked itself into extinction thousands of years ago, not a bad way to go I guess. At some point you may find out how to please the opposite sex, so here's a bit of advice. Don't tell any of your friends how to do your signature moves because I can guarantee you won't get credit, you'll be the victim of sexual plagiarism and unfortunately there's no legal system in place to protect you from it. Before you know it your sexual techniques will become a franchise but unlike The Kernel, no one will give a shit that you came up with the secret recipe. So if you come up with something that can please a woman, keep it to yourself.

So how are young people supposed to find out how to fuck? Parents? Not unless you want every sexual encounter for the rest of your life to hold incestual connotations, and let's face it if we look back at our sexual education you'd learn more about fucking by making a hole with your finger and thumb with one hand and poking a finger from the other hand through it repeatedly. So where does that leave us? Porn. Unfortunately porn doesn't paint the most accurate picture of sex so there's a few things you need to remember when engaging in it for the first time. First off you won't be hammering fanny in every position imaginationable for 20 minutes, in all honesty if you get past 20 pumps that's impressive. Also while going at it, try not to sound like a deaf Arnold Swhartzanegger. Ultimately your load won't end up over your ladies eager face as she laps up your mess happily, if you even tried this she'd most likely punch you straight in the balls.

A while ago Channel 4 showed a program called Porn Versus Sex Education or vise versa. It was essentially a show that demonized porn and it's availability on the internet. The female host would do retarded things like wonder into PC World find a shop assistant and say "What are YOU doing to stop kids watching porn?" then present them with a picture of a young girl standing in a sex shop, "This is what your allowing to happen". I just felt sorry for the poor bastards, it's not like they run the internet. The show also went into schools to make teenagers feel comfortable about the bodies by doing stupid things like having a line up of naked people with different body types then saying no matter what your body or genitals are like, it's normal. Personally I think they should have gotten some porn stars, dudes with 10 inch cocks and chicks with perfectly proportioned bodies and said "if you don't look like this then there's something wrong with you and you'll never please your partner". I think someone should have just slapped the miserable bitch (preferabley with a giant dirty cock) and said "chill the fuck out".