Off The Fucking Chain


Wednesday 21 October 2009

Death Race

Death Race released in 2009 is the remake of Death Race 2000, a movie which starred David Carradine and a young Sylvester Stalone. The original was a crazy vision of the year 2000 where everyone dressed like it was still the seventies and spent their spare time watching people murder members of the public in crazy ass racing cars, while the drivers and their cars looked like rejects from the Wacky Races cartoon show.

The major difference from the original apart, from weird clothes and misty lensed glasses, is that it's set in a prison and the Death Race is cons killing cons. I guess you can't get away with murdering innocent people for entertainment in our current society, but if killing cons is ok I don't understand why The Running Man hasn't become a reality, we already have over populated prisons and shit TV so why not kill two bird with one chainsaw, I would definitely watch it .

The remake stars Jason Statham as an ex-race car driver framed for the murder of his wife and sent to prison and then recruited to be the racer Frankenstein in the Death Race. The original Frankenstein died in a crash not wanking, the original Frankenstein David Carradine gets a cameo but you wouldn't know it was him because he's wearing the stupid Frankenstein mask which he probably kept to wear while he wanked hanging by his neck in the closet. So to win his freedom he has to win the Death Race, which is not as easy as it sounds because Tyrese Gibson wants to fuck his shit up and "The Gov" is a crazy stuck up bitch.

The prison itself is filled with so many cliches it's mind bending. You've got a naked hose down on arrival, fighting the new guy in the cafeteria and you've guessed it, the guards and governor are bad guys. I'm surprised there was no shower room rape scene or William Sadler issuing a blow job beat down.

Statham is joined by fellow Brit Ian McShane who plays the wise old con called Coach (cheesy name I know) except he isn't a con, turns out he's just some guy who lives at the prison because why not, people can just go and live in prison right? Personally I think it would have been better if you found out he was a child rapist or murderer. It's set in a prison so the cons are criminals, why make it seem like they all got stitched up by 'the system' or 'the man'. They're there for a reason. As if that's not bad enough old Lovejoy goes and breaks the fourth wall, cheeky bastard. Anyway, he works on Statham's car and helps him seek revenge.

As I watched the film I couldn't help but notice that Statham doesn't seem too bothered about his wife being murdered or the fact he's been falsely imprisoned. Maybe he just doesn't give a shit about anything except being hard as balls.

With the addition of some hot ladies the macho appeal of this movie is complete, as for no reason the drivers navigators happen to be recently imprisoned models. It's as if this movie was made by a penis for a penis.

So lets backtrack through the man check list.

1. Modified Cars. Check
2. Big Fuck Off Guns. Check
3. Slaaaaaaaggs! Check
4. Lovejoy with an American Accent. Check
5. Statham being hard. CHECK.

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