Off The Fucking Chain

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Scream Trilogy

Let's get this out straight away. When I first saw Scream I thought it totally rocked the shit, I don't know why. Sure I was about 14 but that's not really an excuse. Perhaps it's because Drew Barrymore gets gutted in to the first five minutes which I think should happen in every movie she's in - except E.T. that would be a bit harsh and ruin the magic. Scream was directed by Nightmare On Elm Street's Wes Craven and briefly brought him back into a respectable light after he made a couple of crappy movies. Namely New Nightmare and Vampire In Brooklyn - which had Eddie Murphy as some kind of stupid vampire pimp? After Scream though Craven's career subsequently slipped back down the toilet thanks to more crap movies like Red Eye and Cursed. Craven's name has since become a warning stamp of shitness on dvd boxes, much like John Carpenter's has.

Scream was released in 1996 and seemed quite revolutionary. It was a simpler time, when movie studios thought it would be a good idea to cast someone from Friends. The horror genre at this point had pretty much become a joke, usually featuring an unbelievable supernatural element of some-kind which would distance the audience because let's face it. Burnt pedophiles don't really enter our dreams and mutilate us with finger blades, even ones that wear bad ass hats and stripy jumpers.

The plot of Scream is pretty simple, a bunch of teenagers get killed off one by one by a killer with cool mask and an even cooler voice. The killer usually calls up the teens, fucks with them for a bit over the phone then jumps out and kills them. Basic stuff really. The identity of the killer is kept a secret until the final act and keeps you guessing throughout - more or less. There are some issues with the plot which do get on my tits. The killer is somehow able to away with murdering a whole bunch of people and the police don't have a clue what to do about it. They're trying to catch the killer but they're fucking useless, it's as if CSI doesn't exist. The cops can't trace the killers phone for some reason, there's no DNA evidence and because the killer wears a ghost mask it's almost like watching a weird disembowelment special of Scooby Doo but without the dog. Also, everyone looks really old. The teens all look mid-twenties at least which made me think that's how you were meant to look like that at 17-18. You lives and learns.

Sidney Prescott is the main character, played by Neve Cambell in her most well known role apart from her performance in Wild Things - a movie where she gets it on with Denise Richard and Matt Dillon, separately and at the same time. You also get to see Kevin Bacon's wang in that movie, if that doesn't sell Wild Things to you, nothing will. Sidney spends most of the movie dealing with her mothers rape and murder, and deciding wether she's going to get it on with her boyfriend Billy Loomis, played by Skeet Ulrich. All this while a getting stalked by a serial killer wearing a ghost face mask and what looks like black dress. Sidney eventually gives it up to Billy just before he reveals himself to be a fucking loon and one of the killers. Oh the simple joys of being a teenager.

The most well known actors in Scream are Courtney Cox and David Arquette. She plays a reporter and he plays a bumbling cop. Marvelous. Matt Lillard plays killer No 2 Stu, who spends the whole movie acting weird and is obviously involved in the murders. He's part of the main cast, doesn't get attacked and doesn't get accussed of anything so your just waiting for that reveal. Oh what a surprise the weirdo is one of the killers - sarcasm, classic. Stu's girlfriend is played by Rose Magowen, who does a fairly decent job at wearing tight tops and dying a pathetic death involving a garage door.

So what about the sequels. Fuck 'em. Scream 2 isn't as bad as bad as Scream 3. It features a pre-Deadwood Olyphant and an O'Donnel brother. A redeeming feature of Scream 2 is Jamie Kennedy gets brutally murdered after disappointingly surviving the first movie, If you find the guy as annoying as I do you'll appreciate this. If your not familiar with this spiky haired fuck-nut he operates under the delusion that he's funny. He had a show called the Jamie Kennedy Project/Experiment or something. It's basically an American version of Beadles About except the host doesn't have a weird hand. I only watched the third installment once and it's dire, the less said about it the better. To be honest I'd rather watch a monkey finger its own ass for an hour and a half than watch that piece of shit again. I think the killer turns out to be Sidney's long lost brother. This movie is so ridiculous it may as well have been set in fucking space.

Of course the series is getting a reboot because studios don't come up with new ideas for movies anymore and since Scream made some cash the first around why not? Hopefully Courtney Cox will be taking a break from Cougar Town (TV Show, not a real place) to get stabbed in the face along with simpleton hubby David Arquette at some point in the new remake/reboot/steaming shit.

Thursday, 4 February 2010


Recently I've noticed the film American Pie has been showing on TV so I thought why not check it out for old times sake, I seem to remember it being alright. So here's the premise. In the world of American Pie losing your virginity is a magical, special, perfect experience, a right of passage if you will, about as far removed from reality as you can get. The movie is so full of cheesy bull shit I barely know where to start. First off why are these kids still virgins? They're seniors in high school which means they're 18, why the fuck haven't they got laid yet? Oh that's right it's because they all make such a huge deal about having sex it's more like they're trying to achieve nuclear fusion than lose their virginity. The star of this shit storm is Jason Biggs. American Pie launched his career as he later went to star in huge hits such as Boys And Girls, Loser... oh wait. Anyway Jason's character does harmless things like secretly video tape and broadcasts foreign student Nadia played by Shannon Elizabeth stripping and teasing one out. Nice. I'm sure that's probably illegal but fuck it, he then tries to get it on with Nadia but blows his load twice before he's even knuckles deep, on camera of course. Biggs also sticks his wang in a home baked apple pie to simulate sex after his pal tells him that's what pussy feels like. Whatever happened to the good ol' fashioned posh wank 'ay? The stand out performance is by Sean William Scott who plays Stiffler. As far as I can tell Stiffler is a couple of years away from being a serial rapist, but the funny nice kind. The other characters are barely worth mentioning, one guy spends the whole movie trying bone Tara Reid (I guess this movie was made before she became a walking spunk receptacle) and the affectionately named Shit Break who does fuck all throughout the movie then ends up shagging a middle aged woman which is somehow seen as a good thing. The last of the bunch is Oz, the jock who falls in love with the choir girl. He has the most cringe worthy lines in the whole movie, sounding more like a 8 year old girl than a tank 18 year old dude. Needless to say they all lose their virginity and learn some valuable life lessons, just like in real life. Right?

In reality everyone knows losing your virginity is an all round unpleasant experience, sure it sounds exciting and you have an idea of how hot it will be your head. But it often takes place while your both wasted at some party and is usually rife with premature ejaculation and the dreaded question "is it in yet"? No one knows what they're supposed to do, girls are expecting it to hurt and guys are just super stoked they're going to get laid, both are completely clueless as to what your really meant to do. Sure we sort of know what goes where but in terms of pleasing the opposite sex, nothing. Thank god things improve over time otherwise human kind would have just wanked itself into extinction thousands of years ago, not a bad way to go I guess. At some point you may find out how to please the opposite sex, so here's a bit of advice. Don't tell any of your friends how to do your signature moves because I can guarantee you won't get credit, you'll be the victim of sexual plagiarism and unfortunately there's no legal system in place to protect you from it. Before you know it your sexual techniques will become a franchise but unlike The Kernel, no one will give a shit that you came up with the secret recipe. So if you come up with something that can please a woman, keep it to yourself.

So how are young people supposed to find out how to fuck? Parents? Not unless you want every sexual encounter for the rest of your life to hold incestual connotations, and let's face it if we look back at our sexual education you'd learn more about fucking by making a hole with your finger and thumb with one hand and poking a finger from the other hand through it repeatedly. So where does that leave us? Porn. Unfortunately porn doesn't paint the most accurate picture of sex so there's a few things you need to remember when engaging in it for the first time. First off you won't be hammering fanny in every position imaginationable for 20 minutes, in all honesty if you get past 20 pumps that's impressive. Also while going at it, try not to sound like a deaf Arnold Swhartzanegger. Ultimately your load won't end up over your ladies eager face as she laps up your mess happily, if you even tried this she'd most likely punch you straight in the balls.

A while ago Channel 4 showed a program called Porn Versus Sex Education or vise versa. It was essentially a show that demonized porn and it's availability on the internet. The female host would do retarded things like wonder into PC World find a shop assistant and say "What are YOU doing to stop kids watching porn?" then present them with a picture of a young girl standing in a sex shop, "This is what your allowing to happen". I just felt sorry for the poor bastards, it's not like they run the internet. The show also went into schools to make teenagers feel comfortable about the bodies by doing stupid things like having a line up of naked people with different body types then saying no matter what your body or genitals are like, it's normal. Personally I think they should have gotten some porn stars, dudes with 10 inch cocks and chicks with perfectly proportioned bodies and said "if you don't look like this then there's something wrong with you and you'll never please your partner". I think someone should have just slapped the miserable bitch (preferabley with a giant dirty cock) and said "chill the fuck out".

Monday, 25 January 2010


Unless you've been hiding in away in a bin for the last couple of years you've probably noticed that vampires have saturated popular culture. They're on TV, in movies and even in the music scene with tubby super producer Timbaland as some sort of weird vampire in the video for 'Morning After Dark' where he twitches around like some sort of un-dead bell end with toretts. It seems you can't turn around without the pale blood sucking bastards staring back at you. But at what point did they start pissing everybody off?

Well let's not waste any time dancing around it...Twilight. Yes this not just a movie but a phenomenon, or cult to you and me. Now I know the target audience for this movie is tween girls who can think of nothing better than teasing one out over Robert Pattinson, but a lot haters haven't actually seen the movie. I feel to truly hate something properly you need to have seen it so you can get genuinely angry at the mere though of this sorry excuse for a vampire move. Otherwise your just pissing and moaning like the goons in this movie. If you do make the choice to embrace the hate, download it or watch it on TV otherwise the film studio will make money and put the next god awful movie into production. So anyways, Twilight focuses on the unbelievingly boring Bella and comb-less albino Edward. I'm sure there's a plot in there somewhere but it's not obvious to anyone outside the aforementioned target audience. The main issue I have with the 'Twilight Saga' is they've taken something as bad ass as vampires and turned them in to whiney pussies. Instead of running around killing people and fucking shit up they go to school and drink deer blood. Lame. Unfortunetly the series won't be stopping anytime soon because of what I like to call the Titanic effect, which is where tweens are not content seeing the movie once at the cinema and flock in mass which means these movies are grossing upwards of 200 million dollars. The bastards.

At the other end of the vampire spectrum is bloodsucking fuck fest True Blood. True Blood is set in the cliche southern small town of Bon Temp in Louisiana. The main characters are the ridiculously named Bill (rugged southern vampire gentleman) and Sookie (short skirt wearing mind reading loon) played by Steven Moyer and Anna Paquin. Unlike Twilight, True Blood is full of fucking, literally full of it. The lions share of the bonking is carried out by ex-Home and Away man meat Ryan Kwanten who can't seem to go an episode without getting his dick wet. The rest of the boning is done by Sookie and Bill. Sookie starts the series a shy virgin but around mid season she's fucking Bill as he rises out the ground butt naked covered in dirt, which I'm sure would just create some kind of horrible fanny mud. The show is actually quite entertaining although its not without it's flaws. Alan Ball is so unsubtle with his handling of this project he may as well just scream "the vampires represent gays" straight into the camera every five minutes just incase someone doesn't pick up on the subtext, and for some reason I'm able to accept the concept of a universe where vampires exist. But when you throw in a bar owner that can transform into a dog? That's not even useful. Why not just have every supernatural thing you can think of just show up? Fuck it, have zombies and wizards running about bumming each other. Go nuts.

Now I couldn't bang on about vampires without mentioning the really rather good Let The Right One In, a swedish film directed by Tomas Alfredson based on the book of the same name by John Ajvide Linqvist. Let The Right One In doesn't depict vamps as the cliche blood hungry kung-fu Matrix outcasts we've seen a million times before, instead the vampire here is a mysterious little girl called Eli who forms a special bond with fellow loner 12 year old Oskar, set to the backdrop of snowy Switzerland circa 1982. Although this sounds lamer than watching a two hour documentary on the history of paperclips it's genuinely awesome and engrossing. Because this movie is so good a Hollywood remake is already in the works and will no doubt do its best to shit all over the original. I suggest seeing it soon so you can talk about how cool you are and how Hollywood is raping world cinema.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Celebrity Big Brother AKA Zombie TV

The term 'Celebrity' is loosely used here by channel 4 to describe the contestants or victims (take your pick) of Celebrity Big Brother. While channel surfing one evening I flicked it on for what seemed like a second only to discover it was actually 40 minutes. So what happened to that 40 mins of my life that I can't get back?

As uninspired as the premise for the show is, there is something strangely hypnotic about watching failing celebrities on their way down delude each other about their status, talking about how they hate that they can't leave the house without being mobbed by the paparazzo when in reality most people wouldn't even recognize the daft bastards.

From what I can gather from my initial viewing the king of the loons is agent of God Steven Baldwin - you know that Baldwin not that one the other one. I'm actually one of the few people that enjoyed his movie 'Bio Dome' despite the fact it co-starred Paully 'The Weasel' Shore and Kyle 'Horses Teeth' Minogue. Steven's conversational topics are along the lines of how he'd rather his daughter was murdered than have her say Jesus doesn't exist aloud, not merely a conversation but more an expert demonstration on how to make everyone around you feel horribly uncomfortable.

Another mind bending character that stood out to me was Jonas 'Basshunter' Altberg, a man who revealed that he has wanked off more times in a day than Ashley Cole has fucked rough hairdressers. To be fair though he is Swedish and they are far more relaxed with their attitude to sex, just look at footballer's sperm dumpster Ulreka Johnson.

The weirdest of the bunch is Katia Ivanova who's only reason for being in the house is she has sucked off an elderly piss head. Now what separates her from the thousands of sex workers across the land is this particular piss head is in the Rolling Stones. I couldn't help but wait on the edge of my seat for her to explain why she's a celebrity to the other housemates.

Last of the vessels that caught my attention was Heidi Fleiss, who incase you don't know was a Hollywood madam - which is just a fancy name for a female pimp. If your like me and expected her to run around backhanding the female housemates and calling them bitches you'll be bitterly disappointed as she just sits around doing bugger all with a face that looks as though she's permanently sat on the worlds scariest roller coaster.

While my encounter with Celebrity Big Brother was brief it certainly left it's mark. No doubt I will be caught under it's brain raping spell again as Devina McCall slips metaphorical Roofies into the Bacardi Breezer that is my mind.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Meth Breath

If your currently feeling at all down about yourself or life in general, then help is at hand in the form of Louis Theroux's latest documentary The City Addicted To Meth. It focuses on a place called Fresno in California. A place so shit that there's nothing to do but smoke crystal meth.

In the show we are shown a range of users of crystal meth, from the young hoodlums, to the long time users....and that's it. But one thing all the users in the show have in common is their horrific up bringing and current situation, which they seem to treat extremely lightly. Whether their parents were too busy smoking meth till their brains turned into a carbonated drink, arrested or were generally not around, or were raped by meth dealers as kids (yeah it gets mentioned in passing, no biggy), which to you and me sounds horrific but in Fresno thats just life as usual. Perhaps it's this casual attitude to the darker side of life which becomes so creepy and unnerving.

Louis gets to spend some quality time with a group of guys who all smoke meth, one of which started when they were 11. I preferred video games but what ever floats your boat. They go back to the one mans house where they're joined by more guys to hang out and smoke. While they're hanging out there are a bunch of kids running around. Then some more of this guys friends turn up with a bunch of electrical equipment, stereos, DVD plays and Louis asks "where did they come from?" and one of them replies "someone's house" while this is hilarious you can't help but think some poor bastard's just been robbed. At one point one of the mash heads asks if Louis is temped to try some meth, needless to say he doesn't but in the name of impartial journalism I can't help but feel he should have.

Another thing you'll notice as the show progresses is that these meth heads all have kids. Not just the one kid though, five. For some reason meth makes you want to get down and jiggy. So you end up with drug heads with five kids who they can't look after because they're too busy smoking meth or slammin meth, which is injecting it. This is the method of choice for Carl, one of the individuals featured in the show. He and his wife Diane are long term users, they don't see there kids or have jobs, yet some how they go through $100 a day on meth. It's not clear if that's each or as a couple but i'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say couple. So somehow this couple rinse through $700 of meth a week, $2800 a month, $33,600 a year. If that alone doesn't make you pull your poo face then this will; the woman is training to become a drugs councilor. Yeah that's right, the woman who pisses thousands of dollars a month on meth is training to become a drugs councilor. Well at least she'll know her subject matter, it's like having alcoholics anonymous meetings hosted by a pissed up tramp.

The last quarter of the show Louis catches up with some of the people he's met throughout the show. One lady in particular Sentika, who Louis met at a drug rehabilitation centre, then again when she got to visit her daughter is in jail. After leaving drug rehabilitation she moved back in with her boyfriend who is a meth head. Well there's your first mistake. She reveals that after meeting Louis the second time while visiting her daughter she went and got high. Nice.

Just when you think you've seen all the horrors and depravity mankind can offer, the show starts to wind down. The police just happen to come across a nut case going crazy at some woman. When they search the man the police find a big knife. Then the mans wife shows up and reveals that the woman he's fighting with is his sister and he has sex with her. Thats right, you read correctly. The meth head who's carrying the big knife is fighting with his sister who he also has sex with. So next time you think your life has shit the bed just think back to Louis Theroux's City Addicted To Meth and think hey at least I'm not having sex with a close relative and addicted to meth.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Death Race

Death Race released in 2009 is the remake of Death Race 2000, a movie which starred David Carradine and a young Sylvester Stalone. The original was a crazy vision of the year 2000 where everyone dressed like it was still the seventies and spent their spare time watching people murder members of the public in crazy ass racing cars, while the drivers and their cars looked like rejects from the Wacky Races cartoon show.

The major difference from the original apart, from weird clothes and misty lensed glasses, is that it's set in a prison and the Death Race is cons killing cons. I guess you can't get away with murdering innocent people for entertainment in our current society, but if killing cons is ok I don't understand why The Running Man hasn't become a reality, we already have over populated prisons and shit TV so why not kill two bird with one chainsaw, I would definitely watch it .

The remake stars Jason Statham as an ex-race car driver framed for the murder of his wife and sent to prison and then recruited to be the racer Frankenstein in the Death Race. The original Frankenstein died in a crash not wanking, the original Frankenstein David Carradine gets a cameo but you wouldn't know it was him because he's wearing the stupid Frankenstein mask which he probably kept to wear while he wanked hanging by his neck in the closet. So to win his freedom he has to win the Death Race, which is not as easy as it sounds because Tyrese Gibson wants to fuck his shit up and "The Gov" is a crazy stuck up bitch.

The prison itself is filled with so many cliches it's mind bending. You've got a naked hose down on arrival, fighting the new guy in the cafeteria and you've guessed it, the guards and governor are bad guys. I'm surprised there was no shower room rape scene or William Sadler issuing a blow job beat down.

Statham is joined by fellow Brit Ian McShane who plays the wise old con called Coach (cheesy name I know) except he isn't a con, turns out he's just some guy who lives at the prison because why not, people can just go and live in prison right? Personally I think it would have been better if you found out he was a child rapist or murderer. It's set in a prison so the cons are criminals, why make it seem like they all got stitched up by 'the system' or 'the man'. They're there for a reason. As if that's not bad enough old Lovejoy goes and breaks the fourth wall, cheeky bastard. Anyway, he works on Statham's car and helps him seek revenge.

As I watched the film I couldn't help but notice that Statham doesn't seem too bothered about his wife being murdered or the fact he's been falsely imprisoned. Maybe he just doesn't give a shit about anything except being hard as balls.

With the addition of some hot ladies the macho appeal of this movie is complete, as for no reason the drivers navigators happen to be recently imprisoned models. It's as if this movie was made by a penis for a penis.

So lets backtrack through the man check list.

1. Modified Cars. Check
2. Big Fuck Off Guns. Check
3. Slaaaaaaaggs! Check
4. Lovejoy with an American Accent. Check
5. Statham being hard. CHECK.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Movie Moan

These days everything Hollywood churns out seems to be a remake, sequel, comic book movie or based on a toy line from over a decade ago. So without an original idea on the horizon we the audience can expect to put up with this until every comic book and toy line has been bled dry, remade and rebooted until our eyes bleed. And since all the good or well known comic book characters have already been adapted into movies e.g Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Ironman they've moved on to the lesser known titles. With a Lego movie in the pipeline the end is in sight, nothing will be safe as we can expect movies based on cleaning products such as the Jerry Bruckheimer produced Mr Muscle or perhaps the big summer family movie will be the CGI epic Toilet Duck.

Some of the new movies coming out are based on comic books and graphic novels that are pretty obscure; the general public aren't going to know they're based on a comic book. Take the new Bruce Willis movie Surrogates, most people I have spoken to have no idea it's based on a comic book. Come on, credit where credits due. You would have thought Hollywood would have learnt its lesson making movies based on lesser known comics with less mass market appeal. For example the Watchman movie, while it was a good movie, finacially it didn't do too well as the studios hoped. One thing that really bugged me about that movie was the trailer tag line, "from the visionary director of 300". By no stretch of the imagination is Zach Snyder a visionary. He directed a remake of Dawn Of The Dead, 300..... and thats it. A remake and a movie that uses similar filming techniques as Sin City. How this 'body of work' would grant someone the title visionary is beyond me. What's next, "from the revolutionary director of the rush hour trilogy" in the trailer for the next Brett Ratner movie? I wouldn't be surprised.

Without original ideas that challenge us as an audience, what are we to do? With the industries interests lying in financial gain and big box office weekends, studios are producing movies designed to make big money, so I look to Independent and world cinema for innovation; films that operate outside the Hollywood studio movie system. I remember being blown away by film makers like Larry Clark(Kids) and Park Chan-Wook(Old Boy/Revenge Trilogy), who can genuinely surprise you with their work as long as you can handle your underage sex and drug use, with some incest thrown in for good measure. It's the taboo subjects that make these movies so interesting and while Hollywood shuns the darker sides of human nature by hiding in the corner, independent and world cinema embrace them, giving the audience the chance to see something original.

Something I'm finding increasingly common with movies is how predictable they are. Within 15 minutes of watching a movie you can see who will fall in love with who, who's the bad guy, good guy, it's all laid out in paint by numbers, you know exactly where you'll end up before you've even set off. It's very rare to come across a story or plot that's fresh, something you haven't seen before. I find I spend a great deal of effort when I watch a movie to not piece the whole thing together too quick.

Although new is good, I do find myself drawn to shiny production values, big name actors and safe predictable story lines with happy endings. Indie and world cinema offer new ideas and although they're often bleak as hell, giving us a grim and dare I say it "realistic" view on life, it's this that stirs the imagination. Lets face it, if I wanted to see real life i'd open my curtain and look outside or just pick up a newspaper and feel depressed about the state of the world. When I select a movie more often than not I'll select something that I've seen over a dozen times and has a budget of at least 700 million dollars. Why? Because most of the time when I feel like watching a movie, I want to relax and turn my brain off. Try watching Gasper NoƩ's Irreversible for a nice relaxing evening, better yet get a lady friend round and you can both sit there together and endure a 9 minute, single camera shot rape scene and a man getting his face smashed in with a fire extinguisher with no cut-aways or angle changes, and just to top it off for the first half of the movie the soundtrack is low frequency sound that makes you feel disoriented. See if that gets you any lady action.