Vampires

Unless you've been hiding in away in a bin for the last couple of years you've probably noticed that vampires have saturated popular culture. They're on TV, in movies and even in the music scene with tubby super producer Timbaland as some sort of weird vampire in the video for 'Morning After Dark' where he twitches around like some sort of un-dead bell end with toretts. It seems you can't turn around without the pale blood sucking bastards staring back at you. But at what point did they start pissing everybody off?

Well let's not waste any time dancing around it...Twilight. Yes this not just a movie but a phenomenon, or cult to you and me. Now I know the target audience for this movie is tween girls who can think of nothing better than teasing one out over Robert Pattinson, but a lot haters haven't actually seen the movie. I feel to truly hate something properly you need to have seen it so you can get genuinely angry at the mere though of this sorry excuse for a vampire move. Otherwise your just pissing and moaning like the goons in this movie. If you do make the choice to embrace the hate, download it or watch it on TV otherwise the film studio will make money and put the next god awful movie into production. So anyways, Twilight focuses on the unbelievingly boring Bella and comb-less albino Edward. I'm sure there's a plot in there somewhere but it's not obvious to anyone outside the aforementioned target audience. The main issue I have with the 'Twilight Saga' is they've taken something as bad ass as vampires and turned them in to whiney pussies. Instead of running around killing people and fucking shit up they go to school and drink deer blood. Lame. Unfortunetly the series won't be stopping anytime soon because of what I like to call the Titanic effect, which is where tweens are not content seeing the movie once at the cinema and flock in mass which means these movies are grossing upwards of 200 million dollars. The bastards.

At the other end of the vampire spectrum is bloodsucking fuck fest True Blood. True Blood is set in the cliche southern small town of Bon Temp in Louisiana. The main characters are the ridiculously named Bill (rugged southern vampire gentleman) and Sookie (short skirt wearing mind reading loon) played by Steven Moyer and Anna Paquin. Unlike Twilight, True Blood is full of fucking, literally full of it. The lions share of the bonking is carried out by ex-Home and Away man meat Ryan Kwanten who can't seem to go an episode without getting his dick wet. The rest of the boning is done by Sookie and Bill. Sookie starts the series a shy virgin but around mid season she's fucking Bill as he rises out the ground butt naked covered in dirt, which I'm sure would just create some kind of horrible fanny mud. The show is actually quite entertaining although its not without it's flaws. Alan Ball is so unsubtle with his handling of this project he may as well just scream "the vampires represent gays" straight into the camera every five minutes just incase someone doesn't pick up on the subtext, and for some reason I'm able to accept the concept of a universe where vampires exist. But when you throw in a bar owner that can transform into a dog? That's not even useful. Why not just have every supernatural thing you can think of just show up? Fuck it, have zombies and wizards running about bumming each other. Go nuts.

Now I couldn't bang on about vampires without mentioning the really rather good Let The Right One In, a swedish film directed by Tomas Alfredson based on the book of the same name by John Ajvide Linqvist. Let The Right One In doesn't depict vamps as the cliche blood hungry kung-fu Matrix outcasts we've seen a million times before, instead the vampire here is a mysterious little girl called Eli who forms a special bond with fellow loner 12 year old Oskar, set to the backdrop of snowy Switzerland circa 1982. Although this sounds lamer than watching a two hour documentary on the history of paperclips it's genuinely awesome and engrossing. Because this movie is so good a Hollywood remake is already in the works and will no doubt do its best to shit all over the original. I suggest seeing it soon so you can talk about how cool you are and how Hollywood is raping world cinema.