The term 'Celebrity' is loosely used here by channel 4 to describe the contestants or victims (take your pick) of Celebrity Big Brother. While channel surfing one evening I flicked it on for what seemed like a second only to discover it was actually 40 minutes. So what happened to that 40 mins of my life that I can't get back?
As uninspired as the premise for the show is, there is something strangely hypnotic about watching failing celebrities on their way down delude each other about their status, talking about how they hate that they can't leave the house without being mobbed by the paparazzo when in reality most people wouldn't even recognize the daft bastards.
From what I can gather from my initial viewing the king of the loons is agent of God Steven Baldwin - you know that Baldwin brother.......no not that one the other one. I'm actually one of the few people that enjoyed his movie 'Bio Dome' despite the fact it co-starred Paully 'The Weasel' Shore and Kyle 'Horses Teeth' Minogue. Steven's conversational topics are along the lines of how he'd rather his daughter was murdered than have her say Jesus doesn't exist aloud, not merely a conversation but more an expert demonstration on how to make everyone around you feel horribly uncomfortable.
Another mind bending character that stood out to me was Jonas 'Basshunter' Altberg, a man who revealed that he has wanked off more times in a day than Ashley Cole has fucked rough hairdressers. To be fair though he is Swedish and they are far more relaxed with their attitude to sex, just look at footballer's sperm dumpster Ulreka Johnson.
The weirdest of the bunch is Katia Ivanova who's only reason for being in the house is she has sucked off an elderly piss head. Now what separates her from the thousands of sex workers across the land is this particular piss head is in the Rolling Stones. I couldn't help but wait on the edge of my seat for her to explain why she's a celebrity to the other housemates.
Last of the vessels that caught my attention was Heidi Fleiss, who incase you don't know was a Hollywood madam - which is just a fancy name for a female pimp. If your like me and expected her to run around backhanding the female housemates and calling them bitches you'll be bitterly disappointed as she just sits around doing bugger all with a face that looks as though she's permanently sat on the worlds scariest roller coaster.
While my encounter with Celebrity Big Brother was brief it certainly left it's mark. No doubt I will be caught under it's brain raping spell again as Devina McCall slips metaphorical Roofies into the Bacardi Breezer that is my mind.
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